Trying to Get Back on Track

Being sick and depressed has led me to miss several weeks of working out with my trainer, but last week I met her at my gym so she could show me how to use all those intimidating machines. We were there for two hours, checking out the place, getting a workout in, and talking about what's holding me back. I need to get out of my own way.

Tuesday we met at the usual place and revisited one of my first workouts she designed for me, but with added weights/heights/reps. I did it all even though I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it.

Now I have another freaking cold and sore throat with the usual asthmatic cough. So frustrating! Sometimes it feels like the universe wants me to be a big fat ass.

On the plus side, I haven't gained ALL my weight back. I am still 10 pounds less than I was when I started. Wish it was 100 pounds, but I guess I need to work harder for that.

I want to step on the board for the Wii Fit and have the stupid thing NOT groan and say cheerfully "that's obese!"

Bronchitis Pretty Much Can Bite Me

I've lost most of what I had gained due to bronchitis. I've been exhausted. I cough so much I sometimes throw up. All I want to do is lay in bed.

I'm frustrated.

I'd like to be on the Biggest Loser show and lose 15 pounds in one week..

Still Fat...but LESS Fat

I started my twice per week workouts with my personal trainer last week. At the same time a family member had surgery and just added to the general stress of the week. I have had bleeding like my period for more than a week. Not sure if it's the start of menopause (oh joy) or just the stress combined with weight loss screwing with my hormones. I'm choosing to believe it's nothing serious. Most of the stuff I read online said not to be concerned unless it happens a lot.

Last time I weighed myself (though on my period so could have water weight) I was down 16 pounds. I bought a new scale that indicates my old scale was at least 8 pounds off (toward the heavier side) so I have to figure out the difference so I can accurately measure my losses. I've been working with my trainer for about 16 weeks, so 1 pound per week is a healthy rate of loss. I've also lost an additional 3.5 inches off my body.

Unfortunately, I do not feel like I look any different. No one has asked if I've lost weight. I guess that's because if you have a lot to lose it takes losing a lot for people to notice.

On the positive side, I can walk stairs much easier. My arms are developing some fine muscles. I am doing things I never could have done this time last year. I'm working. It's working.

Progress

Seven weeks into personal training and I've lost 10 lbs, 9 inches or more and have been able to move up and down stairs much easier than I have in years. My trainer is very upbeat and encouraging.

My family and I went on vacation a week ago and I brought along my training tools. I did my workout on vacation even though I REALLY didn't want to do it and I felt like barfing through most of the workout.

I'm chest-pressing 20 lbs now. I can row at least 25. Probably more.

I'm stubborn enough to work through my hatred for every exercise. I shoot daggers at my trainer at every new exercise. I still hate every minute, but I want to be fit...not fat.

Almost THREE WEEKS In

I've met with my trainer twice so far (and will meet with her again tomorrow). She pushes me, but not too hard. Don't tell her, but she could probably push me a lot harder but I am a pansy-ass and prefer to complain and whine about how little I can do.

I've completed my "at home" assignments for the most part so far. I was to complete the same strength workout once more at home and one of 3 options for cardio training.

This week (my second week), I was supposed to drink 8 glasses of water per day, complete my strength workout one more time and complete a cardio option. Oh, AND eat breakfast once during the week.

I don't eat breakfast as a rule. It makes me sick to my stomach to eat too early in the morning. Yeah, so I FAILED at this goal this week. BUT, I DID do my other assignments so I'm happy. I can't change everything and my trainer reinforces that.

I've been trying hard to change the way I eat as well. It's hard, but I am going to allow myself slips as well. I can't change everything in a day.

I've worked out twice with my trainer and twice at home so far and I can already tell my legs and arms are stronger. It is definite progress.

Today, I Did Something Scary

I made an appointment and kept it. I wrote down my height, my weight, my issues. I allowed myself to be measured.

I stepped up and down on a 12-inch step for 3 minutes and was exhausted. Humiliating.

Then I paid a friend (who happens to be a personal trainer) to help me remember who I am.

I don't remember thin Heather. But I don't think in my head that I am as fat as I am. It's strange.

I catch a glimpse in a mirror and I think that I am some zombie that puffed up from eating people. I long to be the person I used to be. I've been smart, loving, caring, etc. I want to be all that and still someone who can take an active part in life. I'm stagnant.

People don't hire fat people for things that require movement. Or many other things. I'm pretty sure it's a fact. If I were thinner I would have more photography clients. I think. Just my opinion.

Next week I start my journey with someone who might actually kick my ass. Here's hoping!

Dreams

I want to be a runner. It's a dream that I've had most of my life. When I was told to run in elementary and middle school I tried, then got cramps in my sides before I ran very far. In hindsight, it was probably asthma, but I didn't get diagnosed until 3 years ago. Since then, I've used it as an excuse for why I can't run. It's stupid, because I'm only hurting myself, I know.

I started the C25K with my cousin in September. We made it through the first week, then schedule conflicts came into play. Then my foot started hurting mysteriously. I still have no idea what happened with that.

The C25K is probably my best bet to get started running. I also need a venue. Guaranteed I will not be running when it is freezing cold outside. We tried the local Y and the limited schedules for things did not work for us.

If I had my way I would join a local private athletic club. The hours are better, the facilities are nicer. The is a lot for my family to do there.

I would like to run.

I would like to run a marathon.

I'm not sure how this will happen.

I'm Not Sure When I Ate Myself, But Obviously I Ate SOMEONE

I was very skinny growing up. I heard all the nicknames, Beanpole, Skeleton...whatever. Whenever I sat on someone's lap they'd exclaim about the hurt my bony butt produced. High school arrived and I had a relationship with a less-than spectacular boyfriend. I'd had boyfriends before, but he was different and had some strange hold on me. We were together for four years and the stress of the relationship caused me to be skinnier than ever. In high school I was 5'8" and 130 pounds.

This weight probably skewed my view of a healthy weight. College I was more like 160 and thought I was FAT. I had gained the Freshman 15 and more, even though I didn't go away to college until my junior year.

When I got married I was bigger than I wanted to be, but I was still at a healthy weight. When I had my first baby I still hadn't gained much.

By the time I had my second baby I was larger than I'd have liked to be. He nursed once he was born and that helped me lose weight more than I had before. He was a plump baby fed solely on breast milk which helped his mother be thinner.

I wanted a third child and the conception was difficult to say the least. Three years of trying and testing and disappointment every month is tough on the psyche. I gained and lost. Yo yoing was a new thing for me.

By the time I was pregnant with our third child I had gained more than I wanted to admit. Then I didn't gain anything. I lost weight and my doctor worried about the possibility of twins or a thyroid problem. Tests revealed there was one baby and there were no health issues causing the lack of weight gain. Truth told, it was because I was treating myself with healthier habits since I was pregnant.

Fast forward: I was relatively thin following the birth of my third child. She nursed for 18 months or so and that helped stem weight gain. When babies wean after nursing that long, however, it is difficult for the mother (well, at least, me) to adjust to the reduced demand in calories.

Next thing I knew I was 100 pounds overweight. And when you get to that point it's hard to feel hope to turn things around.

Today I am probably 150 pounds (at least) overweight.

I want to make a change. So here I write about my journey. From FAT to FIT.